


Sleepless

by Felicja_Julieanne (CasualMaraudering)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Coming Out, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-06-02 08:21:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19437586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CasualMaraudering/pseuds/Felicja_Julieanne
Summary: He can’t sleep; it's often been the case lately. He’s had way too much on his mind the past few weeks.For most of his life, he thought he’s gay.It couldn’t have been anything else.





	Sleepless

It’s three fifty at night, and Feliks is sat on the windowsill in the lounge, staring at the rain. It’s not something he does often, but for some reason, he finds rain to be calming. With only the pitter-patter of it against the glass, and the silence of the night, he can breathe a little better.

He can’t sleep; it's often been the case lately. He’s had way too much on his mind the past few weeks.

For most of his life, he thought he’s gay. He’s never paid much attention to women, never thought about them, in a sexual or romantic way. He’s had crushes on boys in high school, and even had a boyfriend (for only three days. They were in Catholic school, both very confused and conflicted about themselves; it wasn’t meant to last). So obviously, he’d think he’s gay. It couldn’t have been anything else.

Or so he thought at the time. Then came adulthood, and college, and his first actual relationship. With that, he’s been noticing things about himself he hadn’t quite paid attention to before.

Feliks always thought, one day he’s eventually going to start being interested in sex. Because the thing is, he never was. It’ll come with time, he’d think. Once he’s more mature, maybe meet someone that’s his type. In his teens - he was too young. And college life is busy, which is why he never thought of hooking up with anyone. Simple as that. He never bothered to think about it twice.

Until he and Seán started dating. And at first, it was great - Seán was the sweetest guy he’s met. Charming, polite, smart, tall, pretty, and all of Feliks’s friends seem to like him - what more could Feliks wish for?

A lot of his friends pointed out - Feliks is lucky, because Seán is an attractive man, it seems. Which is when Feliks realized, at 22 years of age, his definition of attractive is vastly different than what it’s supposed to be. Because yes, Seán is good looking, but Feliks’s mind doesn’t wander to sex when he looks at him. He’s not sure he’s met someone who’d make him think “I want to sleep with him”. He has an idea of what attractiveness is, but it’s always been rather aesthetic than anything else. And it seems, it isn't what people mean when they say someone is 'hot'.

It opened his eyes a little bit, but then he thought, perhaps it’s more subconscious in his case. He doesn’t think about it, but given the right time, his body is going to act the way it should, like everyone else’s.

And it did come to such a point, rather quick. Him and Seán were alone, at Seán’s place; one thing let to another and they were in bed. And at first, it was nice. He didn’t mind kissing. He didn’t mind Seán’s fingers in his hair. Or how their legs were bumping into one another’s; he quite liked the physical closure.

What he didn’t expect is that, the more Seán touched him, the more Feliks wanted him not to. His hands felt foreign, unwanted on Feliks’s body, and as much as Feliks wanted to shut off his mind, he couldn’t. His heart was racing in panic rather than anticipation. His stomach twisted and squeezed in the worst way; rather than feeling butterflies, he felt he was gonna vomit. Everything felt wrong.

He’d end up telling Seán he’s not feeling well, and rushing back home. The second time, his mom called, so he had an excuse to leave. The third, he just told Seán he thinks he’s not ready, and so they should wait.

And that’s where they are now still, a couple weeks later. Seán’s been nothing but sweet about it, yet Feliks feels outright awful, cause he’s aware it’s a lie. He’s not going to be ready, ever. He hates it. He hates how something that’s supposed to make him feel great makes him wish he could scratch his own skin off. There’s no warm, fuzzy feelings, but a panic rising in his chest and voices screaming inside his head. He’s not feeling anything he’s supposed to feel, anything that other people always say they feel.

He’s done some research. He thinks he knows what it is. The word is still unfamiliar in his mouth, but at least, there is a word. A name. A label he can comfortably use.

There is relief, of course. Through the last few weeks, he was scared, intimidated; he felt more alone than ever. So there is a comfort in knowing it’s something others have experienced. It’s not a disease, there’s nothing wrong with him. He simply never realized his sexuality is something else than he first thought.

But it’s scary, still. It’s so different than what he’s always thought he is. It’s not something he’s ever heard of. He’s never met someone like that. Someone like himself. It’s a terrifying level of unfamiliarity, something he’s not sure he can accept about himself. It’s odd.

He can’t even begin to think of what his friends are going to say. Will they even believe it’s a thing. Maybe they’ll think he’s weird.

“‘s everything alright?”

Feliks almost falls off the windowsill, hearing a voice in the dead of the night. Seán is stood in the doorframe, leaning against it casually; Feliks suspects he might have been standing there for a short while now. Feliks can’t make out his expression in the darkness, but he sounds tired. And well, Feliks wouldn’t blame him. It must be four by now.

“Why are you awake?” Feliks asks, hugging his knees closer to his chest. He feels awkward, letting Seán see him now. Not exactly the most appealing, to catch him in the middle of the night, mid-way through an identity crisis.

“Why are  _ you  _ awake?” Seán walks up to him, and sits on the other side of the windowsill seat. The moonlight shining on his face makes him seem more pale than usual, but it accents all the right angles, and seems to highlight all his freckles. Feliks almost wants to ask to paint him like this. Maybe another night. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Feliks answers. Too quick, he then realizes. “I just, uhm. Can’t sleep, I guess.”

Seán raises his brows, and smiles. “And my guess, is that you’re lying.” Feliks feels his breath catch in his throat. “Y’know… whatever it is, you can tell me.”

“There’s not-,” his first instinct is to defend himself, but then… he doesn’t. Avoiding this conversation has been draining him mentally. As much as Feliks is terrified to bring it up, he wants to talk to someone. He needs to. “I’ve- … It’s been a weird couple of weeks, I guess.”

“Is everything okay?” Seán asks with concern. He leans forward, his hand on Feliks’s leg. He smiles with reassurance, but Feliks sees something else in his eyes. He must be worried, and Feliks doesn’t exactly blame him. He’s been way too distant lately. No wonder Seán knows something is going on. Feliks is terrible at hiding things.

He turns to the window, resting his forehead against the cold glass, and closes his eyes for a moment. “No, it’s not.”

Silence follows. Feliks tries to piece what he’s going to say. It’s hard to put the emotional mess he’s been through lately into words. There's things he knows he needs to say, but doesn't want to. And things he shouldn't say, but is dying to talk about.

“I’ve realized some stuff, recently,” he starts, careful, unsure. He sees his hands are shaking. “Things I never really thought about. But now that I’m thinking about them… It’s become rather obvious to me that I’m not exactly what I thought I was.”

He’s not sure why, but he feels scared. It’s such an intimate discovery, something so private to him that he's still hesitant to admit to his own self, alone. It’s unfamiliar, and odd, and he’s not sure he likes it. His head is a mess.

“I’ve never liked women, in any way, that I always knew. So I just thought I’m gay, end of discussion. But… turns out, not really.” he takes a shaky breath.

He needs to stop thinking for a moment. Yes, he’s terrified, and yes, he’s not sure what kind of reaction he might get. But all the changes in his life, the discoveries he’s made, they’re scary, and he can’t keep doing it alone. He’s been alone with his thoughts way too long now, he feels he might go insane. It's the best opportunity he's gotten to talk about it.

“I never really, uhm… thought much about sex. The thought of it never necessarily bothered me, but it hardly ever crossed my mind at all. At first, I guess I was young, and thought it’ll come with age. Then in uni, I was just too busy to think about hookups. Simple as that. It never occurred to me it’s something people usually desire, or think about a lot, anything like that.”

He’s had plenty of friends talk to him about their sexual experiences, and it never grossed him out, or made him uncomfortable. He’s heard a lot of things he couldn’t relate to, or didn’t understand, but he’d always blame that on lack of experience. He’d never think that, once it comes to it, everything inside his head would scream for him to make it stop. He’d never think he’s any different than others.

“And, I never really looked at someone and thought of having sex with them. Or anything similar. I can appreciate someone’s appearance. I have a preference, look-wise, but it’s always been… rather aesthetic, I guess? I’ve never wondered how someone looks naked, or wish for them to sleep with me. Not once. At all.”

A little part of him still thinks there might be something wrong. Despite having found a word, and a community, and hearing there’s others. There’s still a little voice in his head saying it’s unnatural. He’s worried it might be true. He’s worried Seán might think so, too.

“And, when it came to you and I… I don’t… I never thought I'd have such negative feelings about what happened. At first, yeah, I wasn’t feeling strongly about it, but I guess I didn’t hate that it was happening. But then, something just… started feeling  _ so _ wrong. So uneasy. Like it was a stranger touching me, not you.”

He’s been putting off saying this for too long. Simply being not ready is one thing. Feeling so uncomfortable about your own boyfriend touching you, that you get sick because of it, is another. Which is exactly why Feliks’s been so scared to bring it up. It’s not a normal reaction. It’s not something he can just casually say. Not without having to explain everything else.

“Everything’s been really confusing, and… and I looked up some things online, and apparently it’s a thing, which I’ve never even heard of before, but there’s other people who feel the same way I do, and that’s nice, but also-, and I would’ve told you sooner, but it’s been just… so weird. Figuring everything out, and trying to realize that for the past 22 years I thought I’m something but turns out I was wrong.”

He’s close to crying; his voice breaks, and he feels his heart in his throat. He might be sick.

Then, there's hand on his shoulder; Seán’s moved closer to him. With this calming smile of his; the one he always has when he talks to his youngest brother.

“It’s okay,” he says, his voice soft in Feliks’s ear. He wraps his arms around Feliks’s body; Feliks lets himself be held. Seán runs his hand through his hair, and then down his back. “Thank you for telling me. I know it’s... not exactly easy, figuring this out, but I’ve got you, you’re not alone. It’s scary at first, but you’ll be okay.”

They spend a little time in silence, Seán gently rocking back and forth, with Feliks quietly sniffling. At some point, Seán reaches out for Feliks’s hand; he rubs his palm with his thumb. Once in a circle. Once in a heart. Once what Feliks thinks might be a shamrock.

“And listen,” Seán speaks again, no louder than a whisper. “I don’t want to risk anything like those few nights happening again. Tell me if something makes you feel uncomfortable. If I touch you, or kiss you where you don’t want me to, or if things get too heated up and you want us to stop. Even if I say something and it makes you feel uneasy. If you don’t feel okay with something, we’ll avoid it, simple as that.”

“So you want to date me, still?”

Seán laughs in reply. “Of course. You being asexual doesn’t change that I love you. The only difference is, now I know a bit more about your sexual preferences. Or lack thereof, I guess.”

Feliks smiles into the crook of his neck. “I didn’t even mention that word,” he says. “The label. How’d you know it?”

“I know a guy. It may seem like it at first, but there’s really a lot of people out there just like you.” Seán leans to kiss his head. “Pride is next week. We can buy you a flag, if you want.”


End file.
